BraveMen S4E104: John Arana - Communication

It's Brave Man with Paul Lewis Cole, wisdom and courage for the journey. Fifteen Go. It's something we've talked about over the last few episodes of Brave Man Podcast. Thanks for being with us and what it is. I've got great friends who are coming alongside here in the studio. We're going to give ourselves 15 minutes to tackle a subject. All right, now we got to choose the subjects, which is our prerogative. And with me right now is Pastor John Arana. You've met him before on some of the other episodes. Pastor of Oasis Church in Arlington, Texas. And John, you've had a really multi and varied career in the ministry and in the business world. You're a life coach. You've taught leadership in a number of different countries. You also speak Spanish fluently and so you've traveled throughout Central and South America ministry. All over the world, you worked with Nikki Cruz. You worked with my father, Dr. Ed Cole, planted a church you and your wife Karen. And the church is still going. Thank God. We're still there. We're still there. I mean, that didn't know of itself. How long has Oasis Church been going? Through COVID and everything. I were about 25 years now. Good grief. Really. Wow. And we have a service in English and a service in Spanish. There was an English in Spanish. Yeah. So we have two groups there. Yeah. Yeah. That's fantastic. And your family works with you in the ministry. Yeah. And you're now your oldest. Yeah. They were living in Denmark. They were living in Denmark. Denmark, that was. Denmark. Yeah. And they just moved back to Los Angeles. They just moved back to LA. So you got some grand kids out there. Yeah. Yeah. And our middle daughter, Karina, works with us. Right. In the ministry. And then Tiffany and Pablo there in South Texas. Yeah. Yeah. Tiffany and Pablo. Yeah. Holding an empire. Building a real estate. He's a real estate mogul. Oh, dude. Man, the guy is brilliant. Yeah. He's done really well. Yeah. And so the Lord's blessed you guys. But it hasn't been without difficulty. And so a lot of the things we share on this podcast. Yes. If you will, they're filtered through the different things of our lives. Because you've lived a number of years on the face of the earth. Yes. You've lived just a 24-year-old. Not as many as you, but a few. A few, man. I can cut your mic at any point. I've got the board over here. Okay. But the fact is, is that you've got a lot of life experiences. Yeah. You've been from, you've lived in a number of different places. From Puerto Rico to Boston. Yeah. Yeah. To Colorado Springs. California. California, Texas. In Texas. Yeah. And a lot of different people. A lot of mentoring, counseling, coaching, speaking in big conferences, speaking in small groups. And so, as we talk about these different subjects, don't forget. Don't forget. Don't forget. I've been married for 42 years. Dude, I'm telling you. That's it right there. So, that's what we're going to tackle right now. Now, we, it doesn't have to all be about marriage, but we're going to talk about communication. Yeah. Communication. Man, that's a big deal. Now, communication is the basis of life. Ooh, your dad said that, that was. He said in the book called Communication, never forget that. Yeah. Communication is the basis of life. Proper communication permits progress. There you go. There you go. The lack of communication prohibits progress. That's right. Yeah. Absolutely. The lack of communication brings a dysfunction. Totally, yeah. The lack of communication brings mistrust. Yeah. We enter into a lot of assumptions. Yeah, right. Because if you're working with somebody, let's say you're working on a project. Yeah. And they're supposed to get back to you Tuesday afternoon. And they don't. Sure. What's, by that night, you're thinking, you start thinking things, maybe they didn't do it. Yeah. Maybe they, maybe they, you know, let's say it's a vendor. Let's say it's a guy who's supposed to show up with some sound equipment for your church. Yeah. Man, he's supposed to be there four o'clock Tuesday and never showed up. Never called. Yeah. And please. And you start thinking things. Yeah, you know what, what happened here is he didn't you. is not responsible. Yeah, it didn't obstruct them. You would mean can I trust him? Yes. You know, was, and am I going to leave him here for minutes? him here for two days with all of our equipment. Do I want to do business with him, you know what I mean? And then on his side, he's like, bro, I had to drive to the other side of Texas. Pick up this equipment because the train broke. I don't know. Who knows? And I was sweating it. I drove five hours to get the stuff and you're like, okay, so in other words, you find out he was actually working hard to fulfill what you needed, but he didn't call you. That's why I always tell our people and my family, you know, ask questions, don't make statements because, you know, in a situation like you just present it, you know, I mean, if I were to go to that guy and start making statements, hey, you know, well, you know, you said you were going to be here, you didn't show up, you know, can I trust you, man. All of a sudden you put him on defense. All of a sudden now he tells me his story. Now I feel like a jerk, you know. So instead of making statements, I'm going to say, hey, are you okay? Everything all right? You know, what happened? That is a powerful form of communication. That's what Jesus did. That's it. He asked questions. Ask questions. Don't make statements. That's power find out. Find out what's happening because then you know, put that person back. You're like, hey, you know, what was happening yesterday? Yeah. Oh, man, I drove across him. Yeah. And all of a sudden, because we have filters, all of us have filters. Absolutely. All of us have a filter. So we can listen to somebody, but we don't necessarily hear what they're saying. Right? Well, that's my first rule of communication. You have rules? Yeah. I got guidelines. Guidelines. Okay. How many do you got? I got five real quick. Okay. Number one. The clock's rolling. Listen and don't interrupt. Well, that's going to make a boring podcast. No, no. I'm talking about how you know how things are related. Yeah. So, you know, people are so busy. In other words, when my wife is telling me something, don't stop it with a solution. But I can fix it. You got to listen. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. She doesn't want. She doesn't want the solution as much as she wants your attention. You know that. Dude, I'm telling you, man, 30 seconds into about a four-minute thing, I can solve it. I can solve it. Oh, yeah, man. I know. Because I'd be like, okay, honey, get to the bottom line and she's going to solve frustrated. Oh, man. So, listen, don't interrupt. I learned. I learned. I learned. Clarify before you answer. Wow. Clarify. Okay, let me see if I understand what you're saying. Are you saying this and this and this, because sometimes we want to answer. But we're not sure we really understood what the person was saying. So you got to clarify. You got to say, okay, let me see if I understand, because if we go on on a rampage and we start trying to answer questions, the person might say, that's not what I meant. That's not even what I was saying. Yeah. That's not, you didn't even listen. And now that we have that good. Now we have that good. Yeah. Between us. Exactly. Exactly. And then it takes longer to try to get back and converge into a place of agreement. Yeah. And you don't get to validate the person, because the person that's talking wants validation. They want to know, hey, I was heard. My words. I was heard. Yeah. In other words, I'm not saying something just to say it. Say it. So, you know, clarify before you answer it. That's really good. To understand, often times we seek to convince. And instead of trying to convince the other person that I'm right or that my way is the best way. Now you're talking social media, bro. Now you're talking everybody on Facebook, now you're messing with their personal lives. Yeah. But you know what? Sometimes we can't even communicate, because instead of a conversation, we're actually having a, we're sparring, you know, we're in a boxing match. And so instead of, hey, you know, trying to seek to understand, I think in my personal experience, the goal of communication is to understand. Because once you understand the Bible says, understanding establishes the house, so understanding establishes the relationship. I don't have to agree with someone to understand them. But if I understand them, that validates them as a person. The wisdom, knowledge and understanding, three things God gives all of them. There you go. Yeah. That's right. Yeah, that's fantastic. So seek to understand. And I also think number four is, if you're going to respond, respond in first person. Like if you and I having a conversation and I felt like there's something you said that didn't sit well with me, instead of saying, well, you know, you made me feel bad. But instead of saying that, I can say, you know what, when you said that, the way I took it was, it was kind of offensive to me. That's fantastic. So now I'm putting it back on myself, I'm not putting it back on you. Yeah. Because you might have said something, but I'm the one that's interpreting what you're saying. So respond in first person. Yeah. You know, that's a, I don't know if I'm bogating number five, but that just leads me to this comment, which is the art of communication, the art of conversation is listening. Yes. Absolutely. The true art in conversation and communication is listening. That's right. And so if I'm listening, I can respond and say, okay, here's what I heard. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. And it triggered something in me. Yeah. Exactly. Okay. What you just said triggered this. Yeah. It triggered loss. Yeah. That's not what I meant. And I'll tell you where that happens is texting because texting problem is dangerous. Do you could say something that person goes, yeah, well, you know, same to you, bro. You're like, no, what? That's not what I meant. Or later, I've had this happen where somebody didn't text you back and I've gone to the guy and go, Hey, I was joking on that. Oh, you were. Oh, yeah. I didn't get it. But you didn't text me back. So I thought, maybe you thought I was slamming you. Yeah. Yeah. I kind of took it that way. Oh, you were ignoring me. I was kidding, man. That's a joke. Yeah. Was that not funny? Yeah. One time. It was like, yeah, it is now. One time I sent a text to somebody and all caps. Oh, like yelling and I didn't realize that to me, it was like, this is so important. I'm putting them all in caps and he's like, the guy's yelling. They were like, man, you don't have to be so rude. You know, why are you so upset and I'm like, hey, that's one thing. I've done caps before, just because your phone gets stuck on it sometimes or whatever. And so, and then I've texted people, I go, I was not yelling. It was just stuck on caps and I was in a little, but and where I've learned it in particular is never text all caps with your wife. Yeah. Can't get an amen. Amen. Amen. You know, no matter what it is, no matter what, no matter what, it's even like, I know. It's just a total yell. But I know. I'll tell you what my wife will get frustrated is if she sends me this long text and then I just say, okay, oh no, what's better is, okay, okay, okay, you don't even have time for okay. No, you don't even have time for the old time for the old, just okay. And she, and she, she'd be like, meh, come on, I'll send you the long text. That's it. That's it. That's how you're going to give me. We're like a little thumbs up thing or a, you know, I'm like, yeah, I'm in a green thing. Yeah. I always throw the hang loose thing back. So like, that's it. That's it. No, I got it. I got it. Yeah, well, then say you got it. I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm with you. That's great. Number five is a work on a win-win. Well, in other words, if we're trying to come to some decision, then the decision that is going to be a good solid one is if, if we both feel that we're going to win. If we both feel that we have something invested in it, now part of that, okay. If you've got an employee employer situation, win-win, you know, does end up with, okay, Here's our final decision. And you're the one that's going to stamp it. Because you're the employer. Exactly. But with friends, I think the win for me is we're friends. Yeah. That's true. And I disagree with you. Yeah. I mean, how many of us have had conversations about vaccinations? Yeah. Oh, yeah, sure. And we find out real quick. Oh, I didn't know you felt that way. Right. I didn't know you felt that way. Oh, yeah. Oh, OK, cool. And oh, I didn't know you had studied 28 different websites. And I didn't realize it was a start of a 30-minute conversation. But the beauty of it walking away is when you're really friends, it's like, I validate that. And you feel that way. I'm totally into that. It's like Dan Crenshaw, the great congressman from Texas, who said, he said, I'm vaccinated. He said, but I will fight against any mandate that says you're supposed to be. You know, the freedom of being an American to make your choice. Yeah, make your choice. And yet, I think you have to be informed about that. Not hyperd about it or believing in it, just because it's on the internet. We're all, oh, boy. Doesn't mean it's true. So ask somebody who actually works in it. Ask, like, you know, I asked Dr. Joe, people that aren't informed. I got to feel doctors and guys that are in the field. And Francis Collins, head of the NIH, is a strong believer in Christ. And so I read his stuff. I'm like, OK, that's what he feels, you know, or I mean, nobody has more research than that guy. Dan Crenshaw, he's a pretty informed guy. I figure if there's some group that's decided to kill the entire world or half of us, Dan would know about it by now. At least he'd have a clue. He'd have a clue. So you know, I think it's hard to meet in a group of, you know, 500 people and go, OK, we're going to kill half the world. And keep it quiet. I don't think you can do that. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, hey, go 15. 15 go, 15 go. Always do that wrong. 15 go, 15 is coming to an end. This is fantastic stuff on communication. On our website, cmd.men, you can find all the tools you need to disciple men to mentor your son. There's tools on there to mentor your daughter. Communication, sex and money is a great book for marriage. It's awesome. cmd.men. And then also we've got meetings, events coming up. And I think this thing, I think my phone actually makes a noise. Let's see if it's something else. Yeah. Yeah, we're out of that. cmd.men, remember to like us on whatever podcast platform you're listening to, hit like, hit awesome. If there's an awesome button, hit awesome. Rate us, write something about it. And put some things in the comments. And we'd love to hear from you. You can write to me at Paul at cmd.men. Paul, P-A-U-L, at cmd.men. And we've got ministry in over 100 nations around the world. You'll find tools and ministry resources and 37 different languages on our website. And we're working on Farsi. We just got Farsi done for Iran. And some of the stands up through there, 120 million people. And working on five, excuse me, six languages for India. We just greenlighted that today. So for India, six languages for maximize manhood and many of the tools we have. And of course, everything's in Spanish and Portuguese. So the whole western hemisphere, the US, well, except for those places to speak French, Quebec, and there's a couple of islands. But we do have maximize manhood in French. Anyway, so all the tools for the western hemisphere are there, and you can get all the things you need. Mentoring men, you know, we believe John, as you do, because you're on the board of this. And if we touch the heart of a man, we've touched the soul of a nation. And if we can raise up fathers, we know how to disciple their children. We'll change the future of the world. So thanks for being with us today on Brave Men. Thank you, John, and Rana. Great stuff, Rose. Always God bless everybody. Remember, hope is alive. Hope has a name. Hope's name is Jesus. You've just experienced Brave Men with Paul Lewis Cole. Paul is president of the Christian Men's Network. Connect with Paul at cmn.man or write to him at Paul at cmn.man.